Parsha Review Podcast · Rabbi Aryeh Wolbe

00:03 - Intro (Announcement)
You're listening to Rabbi Aryeh Wolbe of Torch in Houston, Texas. This is the Parsha Review Podcast.

00:12 - Rabbi Aryeh Wolbe (Host)
All right, good morning everybody. Good morning, it is so wonderful to be here Today. We are going to discuss a little bit about the Parsha. We are in the Parsha Review Podcast and I want to thank all of our listeners online in the podcast who have reached out to me. I just got a few very, very nice emails from people who are listeners for many, many years that I had no idea and I'm so grateful. So thank you for your kind words and we enjoy learning together and that's our goal, that is our objective. So I want to share with you an amazing thought on this week's parasha.

00:52
We begin the parasha. It says and it was and they were the lifetime of Sarah 100 years and 20 years and 7 years, the years of the Parashah Review podcast of. Why does it need to say each segment, the 100 years and 20 years and 7 years, rashi? Of course the great commentator Rashi sheds tremendous light on this. Of course the great commentator Rashi sheds tremendous light on this and he says that because when she was 100 years old, she was as if she was 20 years old, in sin, sinless as a 20-year-old, and when she was 20 years old, she was as wholesome in her beauty as a 7-year-old and like this it was bringing this idea, rashi. You can look in the commentaries in your art scroll, chumash, to see the incredible wisdom that is embedded into the words of each word of the Torah. But we know that the Torah goes right into the story of Abraham seeking a wife for his son Isaac. And that whole story of searching for a wife for Isaac is really incredible. If you look in chapter 24, verse number 4, which is Ki el-artzi ve'el-moladati teylech, rather, to my land and to my relatives, shall you go and you shall take a wife for my son, for Isaac. So here Abraham is giving Eliezer his servant. He's giving him very clear description of exactly what to look for in a wife for his son Isaac. So there are a couple of points here that I would like to look for in a wife for his son Isaac. So there are a couple of points here that I would like to look at so that hopefully we can gain some understanding into not only what's going on here but hopefully take some really important life lessons from this Number one.

02:59
Everything that our avos, our ancestors, our patriarchs, our matriarchs did is a sign for us. It's a sign for us. It means we're obligated. Our sages teach us it's an obligation in the Talmud. The Talmud says when our ancestors experienced something, this is a telling sign for us that we need to learn from their ways, and if it was for them a good principle, a good rule, it definitely is for us a good principle and a good rule.

03:33
So the first question I want to address is why in the world does this Torah portion begin with the passing of Sarah? Usually, when you have the passing of someone, it's at the end of the portion, it's the end of a segment, it's the end of a reading, and then next week it's more optimistic, it's more futuristic, it's a whole new vision. Instead, we see here the beginning of the portion is the end of Sarah's life, and then what segues right into that? Isaac searching for a soulmate, or actually Eliezer searching for Isaac's soulmate, and that in itself is something that we need to unpack. So why do we need to talk about Sarah's passing and we know she passed away why we finished last week's Torah portion with the binding of Isaac, the binding of Isaac. When she found out about it again, our commentator Rashi teaches us she was, you know, in shock and she passed away from it. Was in shock and she passed away from it. So that's another whole discussion that we need to bring to an understanding. But on a very simple basic understanding, what we're learning from this structure of the portion the passing of Sarah and then we look for Isaac is that when people get married, they need to understand that there is a purpose in marriage and that one day we will no longer be here. We need to look when we're looking for a soulmate. We need to look not for today. We need to look for the end of our lives, not the person only that you want to live with, but the person that you're ready to die with them as well.

05:35
Many people don't think that long term. It's right now, this is the mood, this is where I'm at, so that's it. They don't think the long term, they don't think the big picture. We have to remember the purpose. We have to remember why it is what it is we're looking for. Of course, every person should have priorities. Every person should know what it is that is important to them, and Abraham expresses very clearly to Eliezer exactly what he's looking for his son. It's very, very interesting.

06:07
As a total aside, we know that Abraham was the icon of kindness. Sarah was not as kind, not that she wasn't a kind person, but she had more of a stern demeanor to her. But she had more of a stern demeanor to her. And whatever we see about Sarah, she was more of the. You know, there's the chesed and the din and they have to work together. The chesed is the kindness, the din is the judgment. It's the no, it's the, what you could say, it is gvura. But you have these two forces one of being a little bit harsh and strong. Truth Truth is not always pleasant. And you have kindness. Kindness is just being benevolent. So Abraham was the symbol of kindness and Sarah was a little bit on the tougher side. Now, if you have two very, very, very kind parents that let their children do whatever they want, that's a recipe for disaster for your children. If you have two parents who are stern and tough, you have a communist. Your children will be— it's so tough, it's so there's no. So what's the balance? You have to have the kindness, you have to have the chesed with the din. Abraham had that balance with his wife, sarah, and now Sarah. Now Abraham was looking for his son Isaac, who is Gevurah, who is that sternness that he got from his mother. We needed to get the kindness in a wife for him.

07:51
There's this whole world that we've been, this whole culture of falling in love. Yeah, we were in the bar and our eyes locked and we fell in love. Right, and that's it. It's very special, very romantic, but it's a very external love. It's a very external meaning. I was attracted, she was attracted Great, and it happened to work out. Hopefully, we see that the majority of times it doesn't. The majority of marriages do not end up in living happily ever after, till death do us part. So how do we ensure that we find the right thing for us and instill okay. Well, rabbi, what do I do now? I am married already. How do I figure this out? Maybe I'm not married to the right person. Well, if you're married'm not married to the right person. Maybe I am. Well, if you're married, you're married to the right person because Hashem put you with that person. Okay, so let's understand a little bit about how we can maneuver in our marriage to ensure that our marriage be a success.

09:05
So the first thing is, our sages tell us looking for glamour in a spouse is hevel. That's futile, because we know that that glamour can disappear Like that. It can disappear in no time. But you know what doesn't disappear? Good character. Good character doesn't disappear no matter what is going on. That good character doesn't get lost, it doesn't get buried. Good character is the essence of the person and if you look for the good character and you find that good character not the fake, not the external, the internal goodness of that person, you're on your road to a very, very successful, happy marriage. Successful, happy marriage.

10:10
Many of our sages have taught that. In fact, reb Elio Dessler, the great mashgiach, the great spiritual leader in the Panova Yeshiva, he would always say at the chuppah, at the wedding celebration, under the canopy, he would say to the bride and groom he says, right now you want to shower each other with kindness, with love. He says, but the minute you change that to what's in it for me not what I can give, but what I can receive he says, your happiness is gone. The relationship is basically over Once you start looking what's in it for me, not how I can use this relationship to give, to be a giver, not a taker. That's the key to success. The key to success is always being a giver in a relationship. We say this this is. Every Bais Yaakov girl can tell you this.

11:11
What is ahava? What is love? Love is from the term hav, to give. It's a very basic principle the more you give to someone, the more you love them. If you ask a parent who has regular, healthy, normal children and has another regular but special needs child, you ask them which child do you love the most? Of course you love all your children equally. Okay, fine. But the child that they give so much more extra attention and so much time and so much love to and so much care to, the love is far greater because they give more. When you give more to a child, you love more to the child. When you give more to your spouse, you will love more to your spouse.

12:00
Many, many times, people are looking too much on the external. They're looking at who's a beautiful woman for me to marry, but what's about the inside? What's about learning about the character? I will tell you, though we talk about the shidduch world, how boys and girls in the religious world meet. It's actually very, very interesting. It's very interesting Because, before a guy ever sets his eyes on the girl and vice versa, there is a lot of intellectual work that needs to happen.

12:44
Involve your mind before you involve your emotion. Involve your mind before you involve your emotion. And that is, you know, it could be a resume, but you'll find out. Someone will call you and say hey, joe, we have a really good idea for you. We thought this girl would be a perfect match for you. Okay, tell me about her. Well, you can tell her about the family, you can tell her about how smart she is or how kind she is. You talk about the character, the essence of the person. So what's functioning right now? Not emotion, it's intellect. Our mind is deciding. Does this make sense? Does it make sense? Does it make sense or not? If it makes sense, I can start looking for more information. And it's like a whole Mossad detective work.

13:32
Okay, espionage, where you now go and you call the teacher and you call the neighbors and you call the friends and you call, you have a whole list of references, just like you would do for an employee, because you know what it would be to employ someone who's a bad hire. It costs you a lot of money because it's training, it's human resources that are being expended on someone who's not a good match for the company. It's not worth it. So what do you do? You call references their previous employer, you call their teachers, you call their dorm counselors, you call their friends and you ask specific questions, specific questions about their character, specific questions. What would they do in such instances? What are ways in which they shine?

14:24
When you think of them, what's the first trait that comes to your mind and you start getting a picture? You start talking to a bunch of people, you start seeing, wow, this looks like a really exceptional person, this looks like someone who could be a perfect match for me. And then on paper, it makes sense. It makes sense, it makes sense. So now let's involve the emotion.

14:50
Now there's another part of the intellect and that is that there is a chemistry. There has to be a basic attraction. The Torah says that if you're not attracted, you can't get married. But there also has to be a chemistry. You have to be able to have common interests, common goals. There has to be a lot of commonality. There has to be a lot of commonality. There has to be a lot of. It's very hard to date someone and to marry someone when you speak different languages, as is, men and women speak different languages. But it would be even more difficult if one speaks French only and the other speaks Spanish only or English only or Hebrew only, right? So there has to be some way to communicate more than just uh-huh coffee, uh-huh. Right, that's not enough. It has to be more than coffee. It has to be a way for you to build a bond together. So it's very interesting Some of our commentaries notice that in our prayer there isn't really any type of reference to shalom, bias, to protection of peace in the home.

15:59
Yes, we pray sim shalom, but that's a general peace. There should be shalom in the world. Where do I find about my marriage? Where do I pray for my marriage? Where do I pray for my marriage? So the great commentaries say it is embedded into our prayer. In the end of our prayer, in the end of our Amidah, it says and my soul should be here, pull it up right here. Let my soul be like dust to everyone. Lakol Tia, let my soul be like dust. What are we saying there in those words? What are we saying?

16:38
Sages tell us that when we stand up too high, then we're arrogant and everything has to go our way and everything needs to be the way I've seen it, the way I dreamt it, the way I planned for it. But when you humble yourself and you're like the dust that everyone can trample on, you know what. That doesn't mean that you're nobody, but that means that you allow to understand other perspectives, that you allow to see other ways of looking at things, that you allow. Someone was just. I was just talking to somebody and they were talking and this is a therapist and they were talking about a couple that they were seeing and he said the challenge is, is that the husband, in this particular relationship that he was counseling, is very certain that everything needs to be only his way. The way he sees the world is the only way. The way he sees education is the only way. The way he sees what's right and wrong in their family or in their marriage is only the way he sees it. And that's not what a harmonious marriage looks like.

18:02
A harmonious marriage is when you have two. You know, it's like I tell young couples, young people who are dating, that if you're looking for someone who's exactly like you, who likes the same music and who likes the same type of same sports and likes the same things, so this is you, this is them. There can be a lot of clashing them. There can be a lot of clashing. You have to find someone who's different and that you can complement each other with those differences and now make a harmony that comes together. It creates a unity. You create something new. Yes, this is me, yes, this is you, but now we come together and we create something which is unique, which is us. We take the two one individuals right, I'm a single, she's a single, and now we become one new unit.

18:58
What did abraham say to go find as the quality that represents the proper wife for Isaac? She has to be a person of kindness that she doesn't only say that I will give you to drink, but I'll also give to your camels, even though you didn't ask. You ask just for yourself, and she says I'll give you and your camels, meaning she's thinking beyond herself. She's thinking what are your needs? What is true kindness? So many people interpret kindness as like doing acts of loving kindness, but that's very limited, because when I do just acts of kindness, it's the acts of kindness that I'm interested in doing. I have an hour now to volunteer, so I'll do an hour of volunteership, but maybe that's not what you need. Maybe what you really need is something totally different.

19:57
It's very interesting that part of the mitzvah of kindness is the mitzvah of visiting the sick. What do we call visiting the sick? Bikur holim. What does bikur mean? Bikur means investigating. Investigating the need of the sick, what are their needs. It could be something very simple, it could be something very difficult, but it's not what I have in mind. Oh, I came, I said hello, okay, goodbye, I'm out. I did my mitzvah. It's what do they need? What are their needs? It's investigating. Just so that you understand, the root of the word bikur is the same as boker.

20:46
Morning, morning, there's light. You can differentiate between things. You can see You're holding on to something you thought it was your wall. It turns out it's not your wall, it was your dresser. But when you have light, you see what it is that you're touching. You're able to investigate. When we are looking, when we are looking for a spouse, we need to investigate. But we need to investigate something different, not whether or not they are going to be kind to me. We have to find the right traits, whether or not this is someone I want to give to for the rest of my life, Whether this is someone that I can share with for the rest of my life.

21:38
There is an interesting emphasis that in this week's Torah portion. We've mentioned so many times that there is no extra word in the entire Torah. Yet this entire tale of Abraham and Eliezer finding a wife for Isaac is repeated twice in this week's Torah portion. There's a very specific emphasis that we need to look beyond the surface. He didn't only see that she was beautiful, he didn't only see that the water came up for her. Wow, special miracles happening to this young lady. He saw her kindness, he saw her essence. What's inside, not the external, not the simple things. That is visible to all. You have to evaluate deep inside it's. You know, there's a.

22:38
There's a story that's told about one of the Hasidic Rebbe's whose son passed away at a young age. After the shiva, after the seven days of mourning, he called his daughter-in-law over and he said to her, obviously understanding the pain, it's his pain too. It's his son, her husband. He said don't wait around, start dating and find another husband. Why? Because the Torah wasn't created for us to be in isolation.

23:17
The world wasn't created for us to be alone. The world was created for us to be together with another person and to build a new world, to be together with another person and to build a new world. The world was created for us to expand beyond ourselves, and the only way for us to do that is to find someone who's going to be a helper opposite you. They're not going to be the same as you. They're going to be opposite you. The way they think, the way they communicate, the way they act the way is going to be the same as you. They're going to be opposite you. The way they think, the way they communicate, the way they act is going to be very different to you. To you, it's going to seem like it's the polar opposite.

23:55
Oh, my goodness, what did I get myself into? That's exactly where Hashem wants you to be, so that now you can build a new harmony together, not that you have a life of strife, a life of challenge, a life of discord, but rather that you work through the challenges and now become a wholesome unit together. This is the key to a successful marriage, and the more a couple works on it, I would recommend that you know. Every boy today in the yeshiva world that gets married has to learn with an adult and get training in marriage and how to be a good husband and the girls go as well, to a woman who is married, who is hopefully well-trained herself, to learn how to be a good wife, because we're living in a world today that is really remarkably selfish. I'll tell you how challenging this is. Okay, you know I was.

25:04
I just landed, as I told you, I just landed on the plane, not even an hour and a half ago Landed, and I'm with my daughter. I asked her. You know, we're going to go to our car very quickly. Thank God, we landed a little bit early and we are running. I said right before I got off the plane we didn't get a seat next to each other, unfortunately, we were at the end of the boarding process and in Southwest, when you pick your own seat, when you're at the end of the boarding process, you don't get seats next to each other. Sometimes you get seats, thank God. So, either way, I called my daughter. She was a few rows behind me. I said would you like me to order you a coffee Because they have a pickup? The Starbucks right at the entrance of Hobby Airport has a mobile order station and you order it in advance. I didn't even need to stop. I walked out with my bags. I went right by the desk. It was there with the name waiting to go.

26:12
That's a great luxury, but that's a terrible thing for our society. It's a terrible thing. It's a terrible thing because everything is on a silver platter and we become selfish. I have to wait in line for my coffee now. My coffee's always ready for me and you see these stories of people who didn't. They didn't get their exact order right in the fast food line and they throw a whole fit. We're becoming more and more selfish, and the longer one is living alone, living single, the more ingrained they are in their ways. This is the way I do things. This is the way I do my laundry. This is the way I wash my dishes, this is the way I live my life.

27:00
And now bringing somebody else in means opening myself up to a whole nother way of looking at things. They may agree on some things. They may disagree, which is fine, because every human being has two different sets of eyes. They see things from a different perspective. Hashem wants us to be in a relationship where you're going to be with someone who is not seeing something the same way as you, where it's going to be different, where you're going to have to that. We're going to have to make ourselves like the dust. You know what I'm going to look at your perspective. I'm going to see your perspective, I'm going to evaluate it, I'm going to value it and incorporate it, hopefully, so that now, as a unit, we become something unique, we become something special. So our family becomes a unique family where we're not just a bunch of robots doing things. We're creating something which is unique and fresh in this world.

28:02
Why don't brothers and sisters marry? Because Hashem doesn't want recycled, hashem wants new. You grew up in the same home. You have the same tendencies, same like things, that the way you do the laundry is exactly the same in that family. Hashem wants something new, he wants something different, something unique. And Hashem puts there's a decree. 40 days before the conception of a child, there's already a decree in heaven. Bas, ploni, leploni, this girl, this boy, are a match.

28:41
Why? Because that soul, the journey of that soul, that soul, half of that soul is placed into her, half of that soul is placed into him and when they get married, they find the unification of that soul and through those physical actions we find the spiritual bridge of that soul coming to its perfection when we're able to overcome our arrogance, when we're able to overcome our perception of how things should be in our eyes and then we open up to how someone else sees something, that is becoming a new person completely. It is becoming a new person for ourselves. We improve and our relationship improves and the whole unit becomes a new unit. You, you know, you think about how great people oh, how was it to marry so-and-so? Your husband was a great man. How was it to marry him? Well, most likely she didn't marry someone who was great yet, but through the work, through working through their relationship, he became someone great. This is our journey.

30:08
Abraham is giving guidance here to us that it's important for us. A number one be married. A person needs to go out and seek a relationship that will endure and that will prosper and will grow and will flourish Number one. Number two is a person needs to know themselves. A person needs to know who am I, because if I don't know who am I, how am I supposed to know what I need to find in a spouse? And when we put together our priorities of the things that are important to us and the person that we meet matches those things, at least in some regard that helps us get in a motion. It doesn't mean it's a guarantee for success. But if a person is determined to work through those challenges, to humble themselves, to work through issues that come their way, you make a mistake, got to be humble. It's interesting that you know.

31:30
The Mishnah says that 18 years someone who's 18 years old should already pursue the canopy. Start looking for a spouse. 18 years old should already pursue the canopy. Start looking for a spouse 18 years old, because once you start getting older than that and older and older, you get entrenched in your ways and it becomes more difficult. That doesn't mean that's oh, I'm 26 years old, it's all over for me. No, I'm 32 years old. It doesn't make a difference. At any age a person needs to always be pursuing their own perfection. Hashem gives one a spouse. It's a built-in tool for perfection. Hashem gives you your own self-help in your home to help you become a better person, just by being together.

32:22
That doesn't mean that a wife or a husband are criticizing one another. Not at all. There shouldn't be criticism, but there's finding a unification of these two separate entities that each one on their own can do very well. They can do very well, they can do very well. There's another point in this, and that is children. That once we have children, we have a whole new set of responsibilities here. It's not the responsibility of me myself and I. It's now the responsibility of my children, and what a separation of those parents would cause and the damage that it would bring about to those children, and that's something that needs to be taken into consideration as well.

33:07
Yes, I, I, I I hear this so many times. I can't deal with her. I don't like her. I don't like her, whatever it is. She's not what I married. She's not the same, you know. Okay, you probably changed a thing or two as well since you got married, but what's about your children? What's about the children? The children are going to be affected.

33:30
You know, one of my favorite stories about this is a story from Reb Chaim Euser. Someone once came Reb Chaim Euser was the undisputed leader in the Torah world in Eastern Europe before the Holocaust and someone once came to Reb Chaim Weiser's house and he sees Reb Chaim Weiser's holding on to a man's hand a child's hand, and they're both holding on to a woman's hand, and they're dancing man's hand, a child's hand, and they're both holding on to a woman's hand and they're dancing. It's a very odd thing to see a great Torah sage dancing with a husband, a wife and a child. What's going on here? So he inquired what's going on and he learned the following story.

34:17
The day earlier, the couple came without their child and they said to Reb Chaim he had a court, he had a process of writing a get, which is a divorce document, and they asked him for a divorce. They wanted to get divorced. He said okay, no problem, I can arrange that, but do you have any children? They said yeah, we, we have one child. He says okay, perfect, come back tomorrow with your child and I will arrange the divorce. We'll write out the document and we'll take care of it.

34:51
Okay, the next day they come and he sits the father down, he sits the mother down and the boy is standing there, calls him over, sits him on his lap and he says to him do you know this is? He says yeah, this is my father. He says and this is my mother, this is very nice. Do you love them? Yes, very much. Do they love you? Yes, tremendously. This is great. He says well, I hate to tell you this, but today they're both gonna die. They're both going to die. They're both going to die. He says what do you mean? The kid starts crying, he starts crying, and then the mother starts crying, the father starts crying. They said you know what? We'll keep it together, we'll figure out how to make it work. And then they stood up and started dancing and it was a great joy.

35:42
What's really going on behind this story? What Reb Chaim Ozer was saying is that when a child is in the struggle of two parents who are not married together, it becomes you basically don't have either parent, because there's always going to be this battle, the battle between you. Know, it's like I heard someone tell me recently. They said, um, that they, they got divorced, parents got divorced, but they, but they kept, they kept peace and harmony. So why'd they stay married if? If they kept peace and they should have stayed married already? You understand that means yes, it could be there were difficulties. I'm sure there were. I'm sure there are. Every relationship has challenges Because, again, you're two different worlds colliding. But when you have children, you got to figure it out because for those children, they're losing their parents, they're losing their parents, they're losing their parents and this is a big topic that needs to be discussed.

36:49
It's a topic that needs to be elaborated on and, god willing, at some point we will. A person needs to pursue a good spouse. It's the man's job. It's very interesting. I'll say this in honor of my son and daughter-in-law, who just had a baby yesterday. So when my son was going out with my daughter-in-law so she's from Montreal my son was learning in Lakewood, new Jersey, and, if I'm saying this correctly, my daughter-in-law listens to this podcast. So I better say this correctly.

37:26
But you know many of the guys out there. I guess they feel that I'm not going to travel out to Montreal to meet the girl. She should travel to me. I'm in Yeshiva, for whatever reason. I don't know where they get that idea. They feel like it's coming to them, but that's not what it says in my Torah. In our Torah it says that it's the proper thing for the man to go pursue the woman.

37:55
So when the suggestion came up for my son and my daughter-in-law, you know they were confident that for, like others, she'd have to travel to New York to meet him. And when we said yes, that we were looking forward for my son to meet my daughter-in-law, we asked for the address, where does you know? Where does he come? Pick her up on their first date and they were like in shock. To us it was like it was the obvious thing. What do you mean? You go and you meet her, you put forward the effort, then you drive it's five and a half hours, six hours up, from South Jersey to Montreal.

38:35
So what? That's your job, your responsibility. It's the man's job to go and pursue it. Okay, there are circumstances at times that that's not possible, for whatever reason. Okay, but that has to be the frame of mind. The frame of mind has to be it's my job to go and pursue it. Mark, you hear this. That's your job. Go and pursue it, mark. You hear this. That's your job, this is our job. Our job is to go and pursue, and Hashem will hopefully send us the right person, the right time, the right place, the right character, the right personality, the right challenges. That doesn't just keep us who we are, mark. It doesn't just keep us who we are, mark. It doesn't just keep us who we are, but will challenge us to improve, to become a better person.

39:32
Adam and Eve was the only shidduch, the only match. They had no choice. Every other one. We have a choice. Every other human being has a choice, but we have to make a good choice. We have to make the right choice. Shem gives us an entire world. We have to find what are our priorities. What do I want to accomplish before I end my life? Chaye Sarah, the life of Sarah is connected to the portion of finding a match for Isaac. They have to be connected because we have to remember what is the big picture.

40:17
We come to this world not to just live. We come to this world to accomplish. We come to this world not to just live. We come to this world to accomplish. We come to this world to attain perfection before we depart. That needs to be our mission. That doesn't mean we become a martyr. It doesn't mean I find someone who's a nebuch, someone who's very needy, someone who's very complicated. I'm just going to make myself like the dust. No, you have to find the right thing for you, someone that will challenge you, that will elevate you, someone that you'll want.

40:52
It's like the amazing thing of these old Disney movies. If you think about it, he comes. He's always on a white horse, picking her up and bringing her. Think of it like that. You know he comes, he's he's always on a white horse, picking her up and and bringing it right. Think of it like this he's not, she's the princess, she's the princess and he's the. He's the simple guy, but what does he have to do in order to to get her hand in marriage? He's gonna have to wake up early. He's gonna have to get dressed like a mensch. He's going to have to go mow some lawn so he has some money to buy her ice cream. He's going to have to do things. She's going to inspire him to go do things.

41:32
That's the idea. It should be that way. She should inspire you to want to do more. She should inspire you to want to be better, to want to be bigger, and that's what really a wholesome relationship should be built on, a relationship where I am a nonstop giver. That's my responsibility. What's their responsibility? That's not my job to now tally up. Well, I gave her four presents. Why did she only give me one? That's not my job to now tally up. Well, I gave her four presents, why did she only give me one? That's not the way it works. Someone who's a giver doesn't look like that. Someone who's a giver doesn't put a whole spreadsheet together of oh, these are the times that I was nice to her and these were the times that she was nice to me. So not necessary. I want to be a giver, because the more you give, the more you will love. Not only that, the more you will become a better person, the more you will become an improved person. My dear friends, hashem should bless us all with an amazing Shabbos. Hashem should bless us all with an amazing connection with this week's Torah portion.

42:45
Read through the beautiful words of the Parsha. We see how Isaac then goes and brings her into the tent. It's an amazing. There's another beautiful part of this is that he first married her. If you notice, he first married her and then it says he loved her.

43:07
What's going on here, mark? Don't we first fall in love and then we get married? There's a counterfeit love out there that the world sells us. That's not real love. Love is when you're in a committed relationship and you learn to give properly. That's when the love begins. You talk about a couple that's engaged versus a couple that's married two years. Who knows more about love? It's after you're married that you start really developing a true love, not a superficial love, not a superficial love, not a counterfeit love, not a I don't want to say an infatuation, I don't want to say that it's like it's not. That's not what love is all about. Love is when it's really really deep closeness and connection with this person that now we become one, we become a unit that's inseparable, which is a story that I mentioned previously about Rabbi Shlomo Zalman Arbach.

44:20
Rabbi Shlomo Zalman Arbach at his wife's funeral. It's a custom at a funeral that you ask forgiveness, particularly a spouse. He said he didn't need to ask forgiveness from his wife. So one of his students asked him that's insane. In any relationship, you have challenges in any relationship. How is it possible, he says you think that we didn't argue? You think that we didn't have disagreements? Of course we did, but it was never about me over you. It was never. You understand, it was mission oriented. How do I become a better person? That needs to be the goal. My dear friends, have an amazing Shabbos. Thank you so much.

45:15
So for those of you who don't hear, the question is if someone is divorced or has a child, who says, for whatever reason, that, well, marriage isn't everything that it's cracked up to be. So what do we do? Well, that's part of our responsibility as parents is for them to see what it means to be in a loving, nurturing, elevating relationship. Children need to see that. For me, you know I grew up in the most remarkable home my parents. The love that was being showered from my father to my mother and is still to this very day, and from my mother to my father, is just like. It's like you think that they're newlyweds who just like, came out of the canopy you know five minutes ago, like, and they're married almost 50 years, more, more than 50 years. It's an unbelievable thing 52 years. It's absolutely amazing to see that. It's such a tender love. It's such a real giving, a real admiration, a real respect. And, yeah, if the relationship was about what's in it for me, then perhaps any marriage can. It means and we need to imbue that into our children. Our children need to see that Now. Obviously it's not always possible. Sometimes a relationship you know it's funny because our sages tell us that God created the medicine before he created the illness Before.

46:51
The Torah talks about marriage, the Torah talks about divorce. So, yes, sometimes the relationship is fractured in a way that it can't be repaired. There are times where the Torah says that they can never be together for whatever reason that the Torah delineates. There are certain situations, but I think that, with the proper focus, the proper attention being focused on a mission, I'm here not to find someone who I'm just attracted to, but someone who is on the same mission as me in reaching perfection. So then the whole world opens up. The whole world opens up to such a couple because now they're on a mission together to accomplish greatness. There's a thousand situations that need to be, you know, need to be. Look, every marriage has its own dynamic. Every marriage has its own set of tools of beautiful things and some not so beautiful things. But again, and that's why I'm a big fan of couples going to therapy, there are rabbis who don't officiate weddings unless the couple goes to therapy before they get married, so that they have the tools already to deal with challenges. They have the tools to deal with conflict with their spouse. So we have to pray that they are able to see the beauty of a marriage that they're able to see, hopefully, be exposed to good things. So, okay, so you're saying how do we make sure that we're not overlooking important things? So I'll tell you like this. I'll tell you like this I, before I started dating, I sat down and started thinking about myself, my life, my future, what do I want to accomplish, what do I feel God put me in this world for and what type of mate do I need to help me with that?

49:01
And I put together a list of about 15 or 20 qualities that I would like to see in my spouse and what are the qualities that I need to find in a spouse. And I put together that list and I had the five things. The five things on the top of the list were things that were, to me, non-negotiable and these are not. It's funny because my mother always said to me I told my mother before I started dating my mother was helping me do that investigation and do a whole, do the background check to get all the information. A lot of homework needs to be done. It's like a full-time job looking into Shidduch and looking into a marriage partner for your child. I know that having two married children it's a lot of work. It's a lot of phone calls, it's a lot of research. It's a lot of help from Hashem.

49:53
Whenever I would go out with a girl, I would look at my list and evaluate Does she have the qualities that I'm looking for. Does she have the qualities that I'm looking for? Does she have the values, does she have the things that I need in order to accomplish? And to some of them, you know, she was a really great girl, but doesn't have those values, she doesn't have those tools, she doesn't have those things. So I would call back the person who suggested the idea and say you know, she's a fabulous girl, she really is a fabulous girl, but not for me and go on to the next.

50:28
The miracle of having something like that is because sometimes a person can meet someone and become completely enamored by their personality, by their looks, by their other circumstances, whatever they may be personality, by their looks, by their other circumstances, whatever they may be, and they lose perspective, they lose their grounding on what are my priorities, what's really important, and that could be very tragic. So by having that list, it always grounded me again right after I remember when I dated my wife. By the way, the way we date is there's absolutely zero physical contact. Zero physical contact till you're married, after the chuppah. There's no physical contact between the bride and the groom till after they are married, till they leave the chuppah during the the first date.

51:22
I went to the bathroom for a minute. I called my friend and I said to him mark your calendar. I said I found the girl. I said this is it. I said schedule the hall, get your dancing shoes. This is it. Because I went through that list and I was like it was a check, check, check, check on every single item.

51:46
Now I've heard from many rabbis. They say the majority should be a check. You don't need them all to check. You don't need every box to be checked off. But Baruch Hashem, hashem blessed me with the most amazing woman in the world and I'm so deeply grateful to Hashem for that. But it really is an amazing journey having children and hopefully guiding them on the same path. To be focused, you're not just looking for a guy. I do when my daughter was dating and my son when he was dating. You're not just looking for a girl, you're looking for you, and sometimes people can get oh so many suggestions, so you need one. You're looking for your special spouse, for your special life partner that you will go through all of the challenges of life together, and the more you're able to bring out each other's light to the world, the greater that relationship will continue to shine. Hopefully, mark, did I answer your question? Yes, okay, good, there's so much more to talk about in this topic.

52:55 - Intro (Announcement)
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